January 4, 2010

The Hat Conformator

I like wearing hats.  A lot.  All year long.  The only problem is that I have an oddly shaped and somewhat small head so I can't just order any hat I see online or grab one off the rack and expect it to fit.  If a hat reads "One Size Fits All" what it really means is "One Size Fits Everyone Who Has A Head The Size Of This Hat And That Doesn't Include You, Small-Head."  Wow.  That kind of hurts my feelings just thinking about those kinds of hats.

So someday I might go to the big city and have a custom hat made.  I'm sure there now exists some modern method of accounting for the odd shape and small size of my noggin, unlike the old days when I would have had to put one of these beauties on my head in order to get a good hat:

Today, the hat maker who pulls out the patented Hat Conformator reveals two probabilities about himself:

1.  He's not afraid to go 19th century on your misshapen cranium if that's what it takes.
2.  He has a dungeon below his shop full of scarier stuff than this.

Not sure how it works?  It's simple.  Take a look at figures 1 through 7:

Still not sure?  Might be simpler just to wear the Conformator as a big brass (or wooden?) hat.  It actually looks kind of tough with the mustache.

Once the Hat Conformator has done its job and all the vital distinctions of your melon are locked in, the work would be transferred to something that looks an awful lot like the HC only too big to put on a customer's head.

So I've got this to look forward to someday.  But like I said, it's probably all done with lasers and computers now.  Plus, I'm guessing they never made a Hat Conformator that would properly fit my head to begin with.  I'm sure it was One Size Fits All.


  1. For the longest time, I couldn't tell if it was reshaping your head or just getting the cranial specifications. I'm still not 100% sure.

  2. If it was for reshaping your head I think it would have to be called the Head Conformator.